Today was quite an interesting day - medically. I had a chest X-ray and ultrasound scan for the liver at Gleneagles. It was my first experience with ultrasound and there is nothing frightening about it; not that I was apprehensive in the first place. The nurse would rub some gel on the body part that is to be scanned (the abdomen in my case). You'd lie down on the bed and she'll use a handheld device to roll over different areas, asking you to breath in and out. Since the nurse was rubbing the abdominal area, some instances provoked a ticklish sensation and I had to use my utmost restrain not to burst out laughing. The results for both the X-ray and ultrasound were good; no abnormal growths detected in both areas except for "mild scoliosis," a condition I had since secondary school.
The results for the blood test was also out and my vitals were mostly within the reference range, including glucose, HDL, LDL, protein, and the minerals such as calcium and haemoglobin. However, my potassium was slightly above normal, as was my polymorph count. Nothing too out of the range though, so no cause for worry.
I guess I should be happy and relieved that I have been given a clean bill of health - internally. However, the most significant problem remains, which is the condition of being grossly underweight. I shall not hide it any longer; as much as I hate to face it, I have to acknowledge that my present weight, 29.9 kg, is horrifyingly scary and in fact, I should actually be warded already. I don't know why the weight keeps dropping. It is evident that Ensure, calcium pills and protein powders, which I have been taking for years, have not help alleviate the decline. Sometimes I secretly and morbidly wish that I actually had a medical condition, maybe not so serious as cancer but an hitherto undiagnosed disease, which I can blame for my underweight condition. But no; as the results indicate, I'm okay and the issue likely lies with the diet and portion sizes.
No pain no gain. Success stories about how obese/overweight people shed those pounds by eliminating their favourite fatty foods with healthier alternatives. It was hard for them, but with determination and discipline, they did it. Does that mean I have to give up my favorite foods (incidentally low calorie-type like pumpkin, sweet potatoes, veggies, fruits) for for higher calorie "denser" foods? After all there's so much volume of food one can consume a day and it makes better sense in terms of comfort to consume less of something high-calorie, than a huge quantity of something low-calorie.
Which brings me no my next point. Should I do calorie counting? It's a pain-in-the-ass and time-consuming but at least it gives a precise, systematic approach in tracking my intake, perhaps vital at this point. Otherwise I'd rely on my [non-existent] appetite cues which makes it very vulnerable to relapse. Currently I'm not counting calories (to think of it I have never really done so), but rather weighing portions as a form of tracking, like 32g buckwheat flakes for breakfast. I suppose maybe this method is easier (as no need to convert to calories) and I should stick to it.
In short, I know I need to gain weight and I really want to gain weight. I think my fear is the discomfort experienced in the process - bloatedness, fullness, having to constantly eat 24/7. But I must remind myself that the end result of better health will be worth all the pain. What I need to do now is to create baby goals and start an action plan. So here goes:
Goal: +1 kg in 1 month
Action (to be reviewed in one week i.e. next Thurs):
Four feasible steps that I can manage. I'd better not set too many or I know I'd just end up not following any. Although the changes seem negligible, I cannot make stark changes or the refeeding syndrome may kick in (or am I just making excuses again).
Today I also made baba ghanoush/ghanouj (roasted eggplant dip) for the first time. I will be posting the recipe soon! And thoughts of Cambodian fish amok are swirling around in my mind as I think of ways to use up all that coconut flesh from the young coconuts.
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